In my memory....

It was very hard to write about my Tayta's death. I spent several hours writing this. Truthfully, words cannot describe it.


One week ago on Sunday February 10, 2007 at 4:45pm my beloved grandmother departed from this life.

She had been ill with cancer for approximately 2 months before she died at age 76. My Tayta lived a long, hard, but very happy life. She always loved to be around her people and always went with a smile on her face. She was everyone's friend, mother, sister and grandmother. She never spoke a mean word and kept her dislikes to herself. She was beautiful.

For three days before her passing, she was very ill. We were by her bedside nonstop, because her energy level was dropping. She had no more physical strength and only used it when she sat up from her bed to do her Namaz, as-salaat.

The night before her death, I showed her the picture of the my newborn cousin, Noor. She cried out, "MashAllah! MashAllah!" It was the last true smile and the last voiced out words I heard from my Tayta. We also told her that my uncle was coming the next day from Missouri. With a smile, she nodded.

Sunday started as a beautiful day. And my Tayta got steadily worse. We gave her painkillers and drops of water to avoid her mouth from drying. We continually checked her blood pressure but, we couldn't get a reading because it was very low. We continually checked her feet to see if it was cold to the touch. Her left foot was cold.

Her eyes started to linger on people or objects. We hardly understood what she was trying to say. We think she started to see beyond. She would look in my direction, but not at me. Several times, she said, "kahwa". Coffee. She might have been telling me get coffee for my mothers friends, or she might have been telling someone else kahwa. She prayed her last salaat, the Dhur at around 2:00.

I cleaned her face and hands with a moist Wet One. She gave me a look of thanks and I kissed her cheeks.At 3:00pm, I told my grandmother that my uncle is coming in a half hour. She looked out the window. And told my mom she wanted my uncle, her youngest son, to read Surat Yasin. We said he would. He arrived at 3:35.

The weather turned blustery cold and snow was swirling in all directions. She asks my uncle how is his family, his wife, son and newborn daughter. He answers that they are all fine. As my uncle was making wudu my Tayta informed us at 3:45 that she had one hour left. She either told us she had one hour or told whoever she saw to give her one hour.

She reads Yasin with my uncle. At this point she is ripping the oxygen tubes away from her face. She kisses my mom's hand. Though she often said that she kisses her mothers hands before she goes to sleep. We gather around her bed and I'm on the phone with the nurse. We know her time is coming, but desperately I ask for help. She starts saying "La-illah-il Allah.." And my mother, father, uncle, my brothers, and 3 of my mother's friends start to say it with her, "La-illah-il Allah, La-illah-il Allah, La-illah-il Allah." Desperately we say it loud, but she motions for us to say it slowly and in normal tones. My uncle holds her eyes shut while my mother holds her mouth/jaw.

She dies peacefully with Allah's name on her lips. It's 4:45 and the wintry blustery wind dies down. It was quick and quite beautiful.

She wasn't afraid. Her faith carried her beautifully from this life. She waited for the new baby and for the arrival of my uncle. It was the most remarkable(?) moment of my life. She was absolutely loved by all. The kindness she bestowed to everyone is reflected by the kindness we receive from everyone. Kind words, messages, phone calls, and tons of food make the sorrow in our hearts lessen. On behalf of my family- an eternity of thanks.

We know she is in a better more beautiful place. Already, some relatives see my Tayta, Allah yirhamha, in their dreams. She is comfortable, al7amdulilah.

The toughest days for me were the day before she died, the day of her death and the 2 days that followed. I only functioned on pure adrenaline and the need to do something. I have since returned to classes and work. Going back to routine and normal life helps keep the grief off my mind. My job now is to take care of my mother, my family and myself. She is my example of strength, goodness, faith and hope.

If I can be a quarter of the woman she is, I'll be very happy. May God give me strength to move on with my life with the excellent example of my grandmother, my Tayta, Allah yirhamha.

Strength...

There is two kinds of it. Physical strength and mental strength. Many people define strength as how much they can benchpress or how long the can run. Others like to equate strength with their morality. The dictionary defines strength as, "the quality or state of the being strong or mental force/vigor ". No definition is incorrect.

I would like to define strength based on my grandmother. She is the epitomy of strength. She accepted her fate of death from cancer. Death is something that we all know is near and fear. My dear Tayta is ready for it. However, she is in undeniable and in horrible pain. Her cancer is an aggresive killer shutting down her system. She is bed-ridden and we hover around her and talk in hushed tones. She is not eating or drinking water and only communicates with pointing her hands. Her cancer makes her vomit frequently and the morphine and other painkillers she is on makes her very tired and sleepy.

Yet, in spite of all this, she fights to pray. She has enough courage and strength to let her do her duties. Her face is at peace when she finishes her prayers in bed. She is probably saving her energy for when her sons come from Syria to see her, (InshAllah, in time!). She is probably at peace to know her youngest grandchild, Baby #27, will be born tomorrow. She even has enough strength to keep a sense of humor.

Its not easy to leave your most loved ones. Yet, my Tayta is teaching us how to do it with grace, faith and strength. I only ask God to give my Tayta, His most loyal follower, additional strength to ease her greatest suffering.

In pain...

Today, I had 2 of my wisdom teeth removed. It hurts. Not too much, but it hurts enough for me to blog about it.

The procedure was quicker than I expected. On the right side of my mouth they removed the top and bottom teeth. The worst part of the entire process was the huge needle filled with anesthesia being pumped into the soft tissue. The bottom tooth came out in less than 3 minutes while the top took approximately 10 minutes because they had to find the tooth buried in the gums. I involuntarily teared, but I made it through all right.

*(Quick Tip: If you are a NY/NJ college student like me with no dental insurance, go to the NYU School of Dentistry. Capable doctors, very affordable patient care.)*

Now, I can't eat solid foods for 2 days. I'm going to live on soup. Which sucks, because I have the strongest urge to have a shawerma sandwich or a pizza. What to do!?

What sucks even more, is that I have to go through this ordeal again in two weeks for the left side of my mouth.

:/

The hardest thing....

On Dec. 25 my grandmother was admitted into a Missouri hospital because of pain in her abdomen. Three days later she was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma (NHL).

"Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is cancer that originates in your lymphatic system, the disease-fighting network spread throughout your body. In non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, tumors develop from lymphocytes — a type of white blood cell," (Mayo Clinic).

The normal treatment for this type of cancer is chemotherapy. However in my grandmother's case, the cancer has spread to multiple body organs, such as her liver. Her body will not have the strength for chemotherapy. Doctors say that she has 4-6 months to live. She is returning to NJ and will stay by my family during her last few weeks.

Since diagnosis two weeks ago, my mother has been by her side in Missouri. I took care of the household duties. I was able to talk to my grandmother at ease on the phone. And if I kept myself busy, I wouldn't think about the situation. There were times when I was alone, and I cried a good deal.

However, tonight I was cleaning/preparing the room that my grandmother will stay in. I cleaned all the surfaces- tables, chairs, floors. I setup the bed for her. I put the drawer in its place so that she can keep her clothes and other belongings. I arranged chairs as my mother instructed me to. Eventually,I finished and gave it a final inspection; I was quite proud of myself.

But, standing in the middle of the room, I realized that I just prepared the room where my grandmother will pass away. I set up the chairs where my family and our friends will say our last good byes. I set up my dear Tayta's deathbed.

The reality of the situation hit me like an 18 wheeler truck flattens a tiny ant. I collapsed sobbing. I still cry. I pray and hope to Allah that the next several weeks will be beautiful, struggle- free and happy in spite of the inevitable devastating loss.

~ May Allah give me t he strength to stay strong for me and my family...
~ May He give me the courage to look into my grandmothers eyes and laugh...
~ May Allah give me the strength to make my family laugh and fill their hearts with happiness when they need it the most...
~ May my beautiful grandmother not suffer in pain for long and make passing from this life as easy & marvelous as possible... InshAllah.

Amin.*